So I got to meet the headshrinker at the Cancer Institute today. He's a good guy. A little "not together" (his white coat fell off the chair, he dropped his Trio. . . ) but good.
I am A-OK to go back on Effexor XR even with the Tamoxifen. Whew. I didn't know how I was going to make it through without the happy pills that also STOP hot flashes--or at least lessen them severely. I am to "titrate" (work up to) 150 mg. I will start out at 37.5--that is if I can get the low dose pre-authorized by the insurance co. The doc did call the fools there to help me with this process. We'll see how he did in a day or two.
He said I was "remarkably well adjusted" for all I've been through (more than 40 weeks of chemo, rads, surgery, breaking up with someone just at 1 year into my treatment. . . ) I agree.
This week church, yoga, and exercise are working for me. Along with some new girlfriends, my dog and emotional overeating. Yeah, that's not news, huh?!
I am SO tired I think I'm going to go head over for a nap. The dogs agree that it's wise. Caspie is trying to configure his blankie right now.
Be well.
Jenn
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Good Days
I had a wonderful day with an ex-boyfriend yesterday. Although we were never exclusive we were a very hot & heavy item for a while. I can honestly say despite the fact that I never told him to his face I loved him very dearly, and still do. It may be different affection now, but he's still so special to me. It's hard to stay mad at him or focused on any shortcomings when one's had such a great day.
He needed a blue blazer. He must "act his wages" now. . . good point. I've been on to him, his friend in HR's been on to him and most people he knows have been telling him as a Regional Manager for this well known environmental engineering firm, he CAN'T (or shouldn't) dress like a grad student anymore. He's in front of customers more and needed a sportscoat, not a suit but something nicer than a button down (rolled up to the elbows) and Docker khaki's.
In two minutes we had the right jacket. In a few more it was marked for alterations to fit perfectly. Within twenty minutes we had new buttons picked out. (He is NOT a brass button type of guy, and I think the gray buttons will look "sharp.") It was painless for him and fun for me.
Yesterday was grey and ended up rainy--but I couldn't stop smiling because it was just so good to be with him. Healing, centering, calming. . .restoring. I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate my wearing a low cut top (he's a boob man.) Hey chick, I wore the schlumpy sweater (cardigan) over. . . so I looked sexy but not trying to look sexy sexy. . . LOL. Probably a complete figment of my imagination.
Dating after the age of 30 is hard. And I was with him for a long time. So hey, what else is a girl to do?
Today was a big hassle day. I've had a hard time getting my RX's for two drugs covered by insurance so while they're filled at the Target Pharmacy, I am NOT paying $182 for them when insurance should cover them. GRRRR!
He needed a blue blazer. He must "act his wages" now. . . good point. I've been on to him, his friend in HR's been on to him and most people he knows have been telling him as a Regional Manager for this well known environmental engineering firm, he CAN'T (or shouldn't) dress like a grad student anymore. He's in front of customers more and needed a sportscoat, not a suit but something nicer than a button down (rolled up to the elbows) and Docker khaki's.
In two minutes we had the right jacket. In a few more it was marked for alterations to fit perfectly. Within twenty minutes we had new buttons picked out. (He is NOT a brass button type of guy, and I think the gray buttons will look "sharp.") It was painless for him and fun for me.
Yesterday was grey and ended up rainy--but I couldn't stop smiling because it was just so good to be with him. Healing, centering, calming. . .restoring. I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate my wearing a low cut top (he's a boob man.) Hey chick, I wore the schlumpy sweater (cardigan) over. . . so I looked sexy but not trying to look sexy sexy. . . LOL. Probably a complete figment of my imagination.
Dating after the age of 30 is hard. And I was with him for a long time. So hey, what else is a girl to do?
Today was a big hassle day. I've had a hard time getting my RX's for two drugs covered by insurance so while they're filled at the Target Pharmacy, I am NOT paying $182 for them when insurance should cover them. GRRRR!
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Today I'm kinda out of words
I had been writing a good bit of late. . .
And suddenly, I didn't want to. I felt more like I should be a person of action and not just all "write" but I think morein it had to do with sticking my head in the sand.
I'm not usually a fan of "the ostrich" method of dealing . . . but it's felt right for the past couple of weeks. "Don't ask, don't tell." Only I can't get away with that 100% because I belong to a theraputic writer's group and I have to tell. We wrote about Eternity the other day. That was the assignment. Someone pulled the word "Eternity" out of a jar and we wrote for five minutes. Here's what I had to day:
There is no eternity. NOTHING is forever. There is only today. Today and the hope of tomorrow. Eternity is too optimistic for me. I can't believe in it anymore. The road does not go that far, even the miles beyond my view, at a certain point cease to exist. Eternity is for those who dream and fail to embrace that ALL things end. Everything comes to a logical conclusion. There is a beginning and an end--even in a circle. I hope someday to wear that mystical ring, but maybe I will have the Priest skip that part--because right now, the truest thing in my world is that nothing lasts forever.
And isn't it selfish to want it to? Aren't we often better about honoring the memories of things we've lost than we are about investing time in that which we have?
Most everyone else wrote about epherial things, Heaven, the hope, God's love. Why I took it to a darker place I have no idea. But I'm glad I was honest with myself. I don't whip out what I think people want to hear, after all part of the group is supposed to be "therapy" right?
Ugh. Without ruining the confidentiality of anyone in the group there was someone there who'd lost their mate and house recently. After surviving cancer. It was like: "Here you go, OOPS, no, be alone!" I guess her friends haven't been supportive either. I felt horrible for her. Here you are in a place where it's "about me" and it isn't. . . it's about a group, and a person, and not you, and offering some comfort to someone else. Only I have no words. I have no similar experience. I can't even offer a medication suggestion (which I often do in my young women's group. LOL.) All I can do is nod empathetically and try not to start crying. Not because I didn't want to join her in her tears, just because I was afraid I wouldn't stop crying. It's kind of a luxury to let yourself. I do "push the steam valve" for myself sometimes, but I try not to wallow. It's a fine line.
I need I think, to go back to my attitude of grattitude and just be thankful for everything. Of course that's going to kind of ruin my "being mad at cancer" this go-around. Don't get me wrong, I will NEVER be one of those people who sees their DX as a blessing. But I can take my days here on earth as them.
And suddenly, I didn't want to. I felt more like I should be a person of action and not just all "write" but I think morein it had to do with sticking my head in the sand.
I'm not usually a fan of "the ostrich" method of dealing . . . but it's felt right for the past couple of weeks. "Don't ask, don't tell." Only I can't get away with that 100% because I belong to a theraputic writer's group and I have to tell. We wrote about Eternity the other day. That was the assignment. Someone pulled the word "Eternity" out of a jar and we wrote for five minutes. Here's what I had to day:
There is no eternity. NOTHING is forever. There is only today. Today and the hope of tomorrow. Eternity is too optimistic for me. I can't believe in it anymore. The road does not go that far, even the miles beyond my view, at a certain point cease to exist. Eternity is for those who dream and fail to embrace that ALL things end. Everything comes to a logical conclusion. There is a beginning and an end--even in a circle. I hope someday to wear that mystical ring, but maybe I will have the Priest skip that part--because right now, the truest thing in my world is that nothing lasts forever.
And isn't it selfish to want it to? Aren't we often better about honoring the memories of things we've lost than we are about investing time in that which we have?
Most everyone else wrote about epherial things, Heaven, the hope, God's love. Why I took it to a darker place I have no idea. But I'm glad I was honest with myself. I don't whip out what I think people want to hear, after all part of the group is supposed to be "therapy" right?
Ugh. Without ruining the confidentiality of anyone in the group there was someone there who'd lost their mate and house recently. After surviving cancer. It was like: "Here you go, OOPS, no, be alone!" I guess her friends haven't been supportive either. I felt horrible for her. Here you are in a place where it's "about me" and it isn't. . . it's about a group, and a person, and not you, and offering some comfort to someone else. Only I have no words. I have no similar experience. I can't even offer a medication suggestion (which I often do in my young women's group. LOL.) All I can do is nod empathetically and try not to start crying. Not because I didn't want to join her in her tears, just because I was afraid I wouldn't stop crying. It's kind of a luxury to let yourself. I do "push the steam valve" for myself sometimes, but I try not to wallow. It's a fine line.
I need I think, to go back to my attitude of grattitude and just be thankful for everything. Of course that's going to kind of ruin my "being mad at cancer" this go-around. Don't get me wrong, I will NEVER be one of those people who sees their DX as a blessing. But I can take my days here on earth as them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
